Queens of our Hearts

I have been pondering Valentine’s Day and was planning to write about relationships and friendships and how to reframe Valentine’s Day a different way that widens the net greater than romantic love but I keep coming back to this. Self- love. They say the most important and fundamental relationship you will ever have is with yourself. That one relationship affects all the others. And that love of self is often elusive. The way we regard ourselves, speak to ourselves, hold ourselves in esteem is often not equal to how we treat or view others. We are mean and critical , we do not acknowledge our efforts or achievements, set ourselves impossibly high standards , set ourselves endless to-do lists and are generally our own worst ‘frenemy. ‘ Self- love was to me, for many years, a sort of floaty concept that I didn’t really understand. I thought it involved the odd manicure or facial. I also knew it meant ‘not beating yourself up’ about stuff but that was about it really. It was only when I stopped drinking and then after a few months sober, that I really began to delve into this topic at all. At first I was just concentrating on not drinking , reading lots of quit lit and getting those days notched up as my brain developed new neural pathways, eating lots of chocolate and just sticking with it. To be honest , from what I can gather that’s all many of us can do and that is fine. Enough. One step at a time. Through my sober journey over the last 4 and a half years I have tried adding in all sorts of things and building my TOOLKIT - journalling, reading, movement, watching inspiring interviews and ted talks , something started to happen. As I concentrated, not on the steely mission of giving up drinking, but rather filling my life with good stuff , my perspective started to shift and a connection was made. It started simply with a little 'sober treat’ every day like a candle, a new journal , heart shaped post-its to keep my inner toddler happy. I discovered mindfulness, sitting with a cup of delicious coffee in the garden instead of beavering on with work and then thinking ‘ Where has that coffee gone?’. I looked at sobriety as an adventure, began to try new ways of socialising and connecting with people that were on my terms- instead of expecting me to sit in a pub with a lemonade, meet me for a hot chocolate and a walk ! These little acts of awareness and self-care literally changed my relationship with myself. I prioritised myself in little ways, I made myself queen in tiny moments throughout the day. I served others I love too of course, making dinner and picking up the kids, working etc ... but I took those moments for myself. I thought about the woman I am and want to be and I got rid of old clothes , those old pre-baby spectres that hung in my wardrobe gathering dust, taunting me and I invested in just a few key pieces that reflect my life - great wellies and a wax jacket for dog walking and some new exercise gear , a great pair of skinny jeans which I live in and dress up and down as I need. I realised I had neglected socks.. I love socks and have nice pairs now. This may seem superficial but it stopped me scrabbling around through old crap feeling irritated before the school run. It lowers stress so I am less triggered by that. It makes me happy. Instead of feeling depleted and like I was still making an effort to be sober (like I knew I was being ‘good’ and I ‘shouldn’t ‘ drink because it's ‘bad’ for me, and I have a ‘problem’ with it ) I started to fill my life with this stuff that made it fun and easier in little ways so I was less triggered and looking to soothe the nerves or reward myself with a glass ( bottle) of Pinot. Later I watched webinars by Tara Brach ( TB blog) and Dr Kristin Neff as this self-regard/self-care practice continued and turned into self compassion. I became more attuned with my internal dialogue as a) I wasn't drowning it out with wine and I was tuning in/ leaning in. The dots of wellness seem to get joined up gradually as we journey towards a greater regard for ourselves bit by bit. After a while I came to get a clear picture of what I like and dislike, I recognise a feeling which means ‘this is not Ok’ - in other words I discovered my boundaries ( again a concept I had heard of but I had no idea what they were). I have stood my ground with people ( I hate conflict) I have learnt to not let my inner bully run the show ( big one) ( inner bully blog) because I have a sense of how I feel when it takes over now. I put myself to bed when I feel poorly, I turn stuff down, I say ‘no’. I am learning that it is ok if people don’t like or agree with me ( three tribes blog). Also I’d like to mention here that my relationship with alcohol before I quit was one of the most significant in my life. I was married, had children and friends, but I spent as much time thinking about, deciding whether or not I was going to drink that day, recovering from it, regretting it , arguing with myself, feeling ashamed, as I did interacting with real people whom I love. ( Bindweed blog) And my relationship with myself was constantly being damaged as I set rules and targets which I consistently failed to meet ( I’ll only drink one glass, I’ll only drink at weekends etc) And when I finally booted the booze out I began to meet my own goals and targets and my self- trust grew, prompting that blossoming self- esteem. The greatest act of self - love I ever did was to make the decision to stop drinking alcohol. To stop something that was damaging me and my self-respect and self- esteem. That was the start of it and the one huge , fundamental building block or cornerstone of my palace. There rest has been and is continuing to be built and furnished with layers of wellness and good stuff. I know for me, from past experience that without sobriety as that cornerstone, the rest of it does not have a foundation. So this Valentine’s Day , if you are on your sober journey take a minute to reflect on the fact that you did the hugest act of self- love you could possible do. You committed to yourself. You chose you, your life , your wellness, your present and future above alcohol, which was a great ( and as we know a false, needy and damaging bad bf ) ‘love'. We are still unfortunately at a stage where this brave, passionate, brilliant choice gets mirrored back to us negatively by society, so reward yourself and talk yourself up! Get that pair of shoes, or book that break away with a friend , have a romantic walk with your OH or hug your kids, take a long bath, buy yourself some fresh flowers … but remember that you did that one fundamental thing which was you chose to heal that relationship with yourself which all others come from. Remember, you are Queen of your own heart now. Fun self- love stuff: 1) Sober treats: 2) Love letter to your self, your partner , your kids. 3) Pinterest dream board of your heart's desires 4) Heart post-its with love messages to yourself 5) Fresh flowers 6) Scented Candles 7) Bridgerton 8) Date with yourself : home cinema and hot chocolate 9) Date with a friend: ( I know - remote... or a walk in the park with one other?) 10) Random act of kindness: 11) Walk by the sea/ nature /park. 12) Bake some red velvet cup cakes 13) Creative project - drift wood, pepbles, photos on your phone 14) Star-gazing